101 rules of Death Metal

1. Follow the rules of Death Metal
2. Death Metallers need to have really long hair (maybe down to their ankles) or no hair at all but a long beard
3. Always add a couple of blood stains in your band logo
4. Don't you ever write satanic lyrics unless you are Glen Benton
5. Be Glen Benton
6. Use the word "Skull" instead of "School" to be brutal
7. Hate subgenres, there's nothing more than "Old School Death Metal" period
8. Always claim to be Old School, even if you don't know who Xecutioner were
9. You hate the fact that people say "Death" created the genre
10. If you have an Arch Enemy record always say the following: "They suck, but Angela Gossow is sooo hot"
11. You already sold your "In Flames" albums along with everything that it's not "Old School"
12. Try to look really pissed in photos
13. Always look at the camera, but your face must be pointing upwards or downwards
14. Be GROOOOOOOWL
15. Use the word Growl a lot
16. Tell people you lived to see the "Tape Trading" days even when you're only 15 years old
17. Use a lot…and I mean a freaking lot of Breakdowns in your music
18. Always copy the riffs of someone else
19. Jump whenever you hear the main riff of "Hammer Smashed Face"
20. Hide your Cannibal Corpse albums from your mom
21. Always end the name of your band with the postfix "Ation" (Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Tribulation, etc.)
22. If you can't think of any name with "Ation" replace it with "Ment" (Enthrallment, Dismemberment, Abolishment, Cadaverment, etc.)
23. Ok, let's say you still can't think of any name…there's still "Ence" for you (Abhorrence, Vehemence, Benevolence, Decadence, etc.)
24. Chances are you'll end up naming your band Disgorge anyway…
25. Fart a lot
26. Burp a lot
27. Don't have a girlfriend
28. If you have a girlfriend Burp and Fart on her nose…
29. You were a member of Death
30. People say you are(were) a member of Brujeria
31. Make sure to bring your meathook for a sodomy night
32. Be extremely GROOOOOOWL
33. End a phrase with GROOOOOOOWL
34. Don't you ever…EVER…listen to Melodeath
35. Hate Melodeath by any means
36. Melodeath is totally gay
37. You have "Heartwork" in you CD collection
38. "Heartwork" was the first Melodeath album ever released
39. Therefore you're gay
40. Then you seriously hate Swedish Death Metal…
41. Swedish Metal is totally gay
42. You have the entire Unleashed collection
43. Unleashed is a Swedish Death Band
44. Therefore you're gay
45. You still hate bands like Dark Tranquility and In Flames
46. That doesn't mean you're not gay
47. You have the amazing capability of contradicting yourself
48. Always go to concerts and leave with blood in your face
49. The blood must be of someone else's nose
50. Mosh till your arms fall out from your body
51. Mosh until your legs break in half
52. TorsoMOSH!!!
53. Erik Rutan mastered your record
54. In Death Metal orgasms always come with pain instead of pleasure
55. Hate everything that is not Death Metal
56. Hate everything that is not GROWL
57. You were never a kid
58. You were born an adult
59. Have no sense of humor
60. Pee outside the can
61. Eat nothing but read meat and things that make your body fat
62. Be fat
63. Try to be extremely fat
64. If you're not fat you are Trey Azagthoth
65. Tell a cartoonist to draw your album cover
66. Tell him you want a lot of blood and sex in it
67. Always use a lot of naked chicks in your covers
68. Those naked chicks are obviously cadavers
69. Sodomize the cadavers found in your artwork
70. Dismember the cadavers in your artwork that you already sodomized
71. Have sex with the remaining parts
72. You have to be seriously sick in the head to be a Death Metaller
73. If you don't have naked chicks available, use anything that looks like pulp for your album cover
74. The good trick comes when you use pulpified fruits that look kind of Gore
75. Name your songs after diseases that don't even exist.
76. Try to use "Semen" a lot when writing lyrics
77. "Flesh", "Skin", "Bowels" and words that sound creepy are so Brutal
78. Hate Black Metal
79. You only use Black Metal words (like "Necro") to name your band
80. You only like Philip Anselmo for being a member of "Necrophagia"
81. You maybe still respect Thrash Metal bands like Pantera and Metallica
82. Pantera used to be Glam Metal and Metallica released a Nu-Metal album
83. Therefore you're gay
84. There's no way possible for you to escape gayness
85. You don't use a Bass for layers or synchronization, you use it to make your music illegible and Gore
86. You can poo in public places
87. Never say "poo" always go with "Feces"
88. Faeces are so Br00Tall
89. For you Carcass died after "Necroticism…"
90. Always use fake blood at a concert
91. It's not Brutal, it's Br00Tall
92. Blast Beats are our friends
93. Remember to play as fast as Diarrhea
94. Hate trees, trolls, wolves, and non-Br00tall things, they're gay
95. Love guts, blood, cannibals, murder, and GROWL things, they're still gay but GROWL
96. Be Gore enough to scare kids and moms
97. Keep your Gore level down for your friends, you're still a social being
98. Download tons of porn
99. Say Hostel and SAW III were mild movies even though you almost puked in the theatre
100. Don't talk…Growl
101. Make sure you're dumb and loser enough to write 101 rules for Death Metal, in other cases, be dumb and loser enough to read 101 stupid phrases about Death Metal.